As many of you know we don’t always make the best food choices for our health, but the same can also be said of our clothing choices. Way back in the days of varsity track, coach Williams nicely informed us how high heels would shorten our Achilles tendons, making us more prone to injury. However, he failed to mention how later in life we may be tempted to put our dear Achilles in peril to make our legs appear toner, butts perkier, and basically create a flashing sign announcing to the world that we were absolutely ready to have great sex….or meaningless sex that we may regret in the morning. When pondering this and other clothes we don, not for comfort, but purely for sex appeal, I scientifically calculated the paradoxical effect.
First take the CFMs…for the people who have lived under a rock (or my mother, who is already dying a small death that I am writing this.) CFM is the acronym for “Come Fuck Me” heels. At the start of the evening you look amazing, feeling like you are ready to take the world by storm. Everything works according to plan. You have the attention of some potential suitors, scored a drink or two, which helps dramatically with the stabbing pain starting in your toes. Unfortunately, we are not designed to sport all 100 and some odd pounds on a 2” x 2” platform at our toes and a thin spike at our heel. Now, too many drinks will certainly lead to an imitation of a weeble, too few certain pain. So, you are holding at a respectable 2 drinks, nursing the 3rd, knowing it is the key. If find a place to sit you will ruin the effects of the heels; you must stand. Now two hours have past, the pain is evident on your face, body language and manner in which you respond to anyone who dares to speak to you. Fantasies of punishing the stupid man (you know it must have been a man) that invented heels enter your every thought. You start to think about what a fabulous weapon these CFMs could make. The next person that says something that stupid and obvious is going to get impaled on that spike. You see what has happened the heels that were sure to get you laid now have turned you into a psyco bitch waiting to inflict pain similar to the pain you are feeling. Ok, it is not that dramatic, but scientist have proven discomfort to full blown pain drastically decreases libido. So here is the paradoxal graph of the CFMs.
Shoes Wearer’s Sex Appeal verse Hours Spent in Them*
*This graph takes into account moderate drinking by both the wearer and the potential suitor.
Now lets take, Spanx…both men and women are now slipping oppressive, fat squeezing girdle like things under their clothes to appear slimmer, sleeker and less lumpy. First, the obvious, you may look amazing but there is no way in hell you are taking off you clothes in front of anyone with those lurking beneath. You might as well have on a chastity belt. Next, you have a strangle hold on your lymph system with these things. Do you really think that is going to work at well for you in the long run? Your lymph, in short, is your body’s sewage system, not something to keep stagnant. If you back up the lymph you’ll get everything you were trying to avoid, unattractiveness in various forms! Frequent colds & flu, fatigue, dark circles under eyes, and cellulite are just a few symptoms of stagnant lymph.
Next, Affliction shirts, (ok, there really is not any health concern here) you just look like a douche bag. However, we do need to be aware of synthetic materials, and none organic materials. These have nasty chemicals to protect them from mold, rodents and insects during travel across seas. They also have neurotoxins from pesticides, dyes, and plastics that off gas for weeks. To the chemically sensitive these are worse than modern rock put to muzak; to the rest of us they are just one more straw adding to our toxic load burden and messing with our endocrine system and neurological system. So you may look and act like a douche bag. To top it off, synthetic fibers do not breath, causing you to sweat more again losing points in the dating realm.
Since we all would like to be attractive and healthy, I suggest we get real. We wear comfy clothes that make us feel good and express our healthy self. Today, I went out and bought a 6 pack of ‘I am never getting laid’ under wear. (anything that comes in a 6 pack just implies that, so I was being redundant.) I also am planning to buy a few tee shirts to show off my regular self. I think it is official, I will never date again…please send Humane Society emails for cat adoptions.